Trump signed a new executive order invalidating the ceremonial pardons of all turkeys, except a select few, claiming that “This country is done giving special privileges to DEI turkeys” and that it is an American duty to exert dominance over the entire poultry species. One group of the festive fowl, however, held onto a special executive pardon: those who participated in the January 6th insurrection.
Though just a small group of turkeys, their contributions to January 6th were noticeable. Feathers flooded the Capitol floor for months and “gobble-gobble’s” can be heard in almost every video taping of the day’s events. “These turkeys,” Trump wrote in his pardon, “have trotted their way into national history.”
Alt-right turkeys everywhere are rejoicing in the good news, celebrating their two core truths: that they have lived to see another Thanksgiving, and that Donald Trump definitely won the 2020 election.
The White House made a special ceremony for these feathery national heroes, declaring their safety and releasing them from their American flag-draped cages. Excited for their future, and energized by this honor, the turkeys spread their wings, looked to the skies, and finally flew the coup.
