[ File # csp10479857, License # 2425095 ] Licensed through http://www.canstockphoto.com in accordance with the End User License Agreement (http://www.canstockphoto.com/legal.php) (c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / Andres
After years of high hopes, honest effort, and sincere smiles, it’s all just absolutely falling to shit for area man John Ives, and everyone can see that he knows it.

“I’m smiling to hide my cold sweat,” Ives confirmed, clutching the side of his chair so tightly that his veins protruded through his forearms. “Oh my god it’s all just going to shit.
Holy shit. Jesus lord above I’m so fucked.”

Things have been declining for Ives since high school, making his recent depths only the latest plateau for the shell of a former somebody. Sources close to Ives insist he once had a nearly immeasurable store of “stuff going for him” and that he only recently seemed destined to do something great, but that his best hope now likely involves weeping mutedly in the fetal position.
“Please don’t look at me directly,” he requested.
 “They can all see right through me, can’t they? I mean it- I still have that ‘someone’ in me. Oh my god, I’m just so screwed, aren’t I?
” Ives’ inquiry remains to be answered, but sources on the ground cringed awkwardly, looked down in dismay, and insisted he’s probably right.

You May Also Like

“Disappointment” Herpes Virus Finally Gets His Big Break

After a lifetime of embarrassingly low transmissibility, a young herpes virus finally…

Camel Complains About Dry Hump

Much to the disappointment of tens of visitors, Eliot, the famous dromedary…

Obama: No More Boots on the Ground

In keeping with President Obama’s promise of “no more boots on the…

Op-Ed: I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Defend Your Right To Terrify Our Roommate, Jeff

Our nation stands divided. After an incredibly bitter and emotional election season,…