At 2:30 am last Friday, numerous urgent calls were phoned into Vaden Health. 

“This property is on complete lockdown. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out,” explained Marcus Sims, one of the war-hardened Iraq veterans standing outside Synergy with an automatic rifle. “No one is allowed to enter. No dogs, no cats, no pigeons, and no frosh”. Scattered around his post lay a cemetery of squirrels unfortunate to have chosen this patch of grass to bury their nuts.

“Think of it like a FOTH party, but instead of vodka Super Soakers we shoot bullets.  Try me, bitch,” shared Luke Willis, head of security outside of Bankman-Fried’s house. 

“If I can name three brothers, can I go inside?”, our correspondent posed.  Willis took a moment to ponder, before becoming deciduous. “….well, do you know three brothers?”  We did not, and were promptly turned away by the barrel of his rifle.  While the security officers cited us as a “threat to the safety of both the Bankman-Fried family and the campus as a whole,” we in fact cited them as being equally disruptive, wearing far too much camouflage, and smelling like racism.  

“Who even goes to Synergy?  Y’all on some weird shit not gonna lie,” Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne wrote in carefully curated press correspondence surrounding the incident.

Now it’s simply up to waiting and hoping for a quick recovery for the injured students and squirrels, in the loving care of the Vaden Health Center.  “We just do STDs”, Vaden Health’s representative said. “Sounds rough dudes, but what am I gonna do? Give you a complimentary sex toy?”. Godspeed, lads.

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