What a breakthrough! Breakthrough beam! In an internal survey conducted by Stanford University, it was revealed that 99 out of 100 Stanford professors “didn’t want a Nobel Prize anyways.”  Given Stanford’s long list of highly ambitious professors, it’s reassuring to know many are comfortable without recognition, living their boring and moronic lives, and going to fade into obscurity.

“Everybody knows Nobel Prizes are just for show,” shares Dr. Roger Lockley, who has not won a Nobel Prize before and so must be a fucking idiot, hackjob, and doorstop.  His lab, which is sponsored by NASA, has won twelve consecutive National Medal of Sciences, which the Nobel laureate committee describes as, “similar to a Nobel prize but for brainless bimbos.”

This year’s Nobel Prize winner in chemistry, Stanford’s very own Carolyn Bertozzi, shared that now, her co-workers and fellow professors make her eat lunch alone, and sometimes even spit in her food. “Winning a Nobel Prize was the greatest moment of my life. Everything that came after it was probably the worst.” Carolyn later insisted that this bullying was “caused by my winning of the Nobel Prize” and has nothing to do with the shocking lack of social skills one must have to win a Nobel Prize in the first place.  

This accomplishment brings Stanford University to a total of twenty on-campus laureates, none of whom are people you actually want to befriend.  This increases the gap between Stanford Nobel and Pultizer prize winners to twelve, which is particularly notable and interesting because fuck the humanities, Nobel-or-die, bitches.

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