After weeks of long-winded statements with no new information, President Tessier-Lavigne’s most recent email was a welcome change. He and the Vice Provost for Maritime Operations Brett Crozier announced on Monday the much-anticipated plans for Stanford’s fall 2020 quarter. “Ahoy mateys,” the email began, “after careful consideration of the 2020 budget, we’ve decided to purchase the now idle Diamond Princess cruise ship and retrofit it for use as Stanford’s primary campus in the fall. While the new campus will be a significant change in tide, administrators are confident they can make it work, with Stanford mechanical engineers already working on new waterproofing technology for athletes’ Sondors electric bikes, and SUDPS officers undergoing proper jet ski safety training.

The new Lamborghini yellow “Bargeillaga” will allow students all the familiar comforts of campus: the best suites onboard will be distributed to fraternities and European ethnic-themed dorms, while everyone else must fight tooth and nail for lodging as far from the boiler room as possible. Additionally, Vaden health center plans to continue operations onboard by treating cases of scurvy and marooning any students suspected of having coronavirus on a desert island, while CAPS appointments will reportedly be taken in “the brig.” Finally, the Bing Overseas Studies Program will be offering a Stanford in Palo Alto quarter abroad for those interested in a more exotic educational experience, where students will be able to ingrain themselves in the natural lifecycle of the Silicon Valley ecosystem.

In the spirit of austerity, admins decided to shorten the deck length of the accompanying Administration Yacht by 20%. “We all need to do our part to keep the budget afloat,” commented Susie Brubaker-Cole while preparing a 3-bedroom suite for her dog Riva. Said MTL to conclude, “this is a great example of Stanford bringing ‘yo’ thinking to an ‘oy’ problem.”

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