After years of traditional brew, Budweiser has announced that it will be switching up the game this darty season with a brand new product release: Budweiser “Just the Foam” beer-free beer.
Starting next week, “Just the Foam” will be available in cans, 40s, and limited-edition glass steins shaped like aerated ethanol molecules. And unlike traditional beer, which contains a mix of both beer and foam, “Just the Foam” will include only the best part of everyone’s favorite alcoholic beverage: foam.
“Months of focus groups and demographic polling has led us to one simple conclusion: people love that goddam foam!,” explained Buddy Wiseguy, a flamboyant Italian-American mafioso who has served as Budweiser’s interim corporate mascot following previous mascot Boddweiser the Rottweiler’s untimely assassination at the hands of the Yakuza. “None of us know quite what the foam is — Booze? Air? Dissolved metal can fragments? — but we all agree that it tastes great.”
On shelves nationwide, eager shoppers will soon be able to select from among multiple different varieties — including “Just the Foam,” “Just the Foam Lite,” and “Just the Foam: Slightly Less Foam” — before popping open a can and deeply inhaling the bubbly contents within. And with an alcohol-free “Just the Foam: This One’s Soap” set for release before school lets out, even the kids can get in on the Budweiser fun this summer.
“It’s always so frustrating to grab a nice cold can from the fridge and start shotgunning it, only for that sweet sweet foam to dissipate within just a few sips,” said Sigma Nu brother Randolph Camino. “Then you’re just left with that nasty brown juice. What the hell am I gonna do with that — drink it? No thanks. More foam for me, please!”
With hordes of eager customers and an edgy “Wet Is For Fish; Humans Sip Foam” marketing campaign airing soon, excitement continues to grow for the product. The only concern that could put a damper on Budweiser’s next big thing is meeting demands for their supply as they signed on as the official Foam Sponsor of Dunch.