OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Tragedy struck Friday afternoon at approximately 4:36 PM when freshman Stephen Salazar lost his lanyard.
“I was just biking to White Plaza to get my bike registered, and by the time I got there I realized that it had fallen off,” said Salazar through tears, “I was heartbroken.
  I retraced my steps all the way back to Arroyo but to no avail. Now nobody will ever know who I am or what my name is.
”

Salazar is now an outcast among freshmen, and has been moved from Wilbur into FroSoCo by Stanford Housing.

You May Also Like

Disgruntled Groundskeeper Plants Crimson Flowers Instead of Cardinal Flowers

Jarring. Surreal. Nightmarish. These are only a few words that have been…

Realizing It’s Only Week 4, Freshman Implodes And Creates Literal Black Hole In Dorm Room

On Tuesday, there were reports of a black hole forming in a…