Didn’t get your first choice? Suffering from fractured friendships? Over-eager to disrupt the private lives of upperclassmen who just want to graduate on time? Well buckle up, buttercup — here’s a pro’s inside scoop on how to really beat the Stanford Draw!

Other insiders might tell you to pre-assign, return from study abroad, or ride on the coattails of a med-draw friend. Fake news! What’re you gonna get with those regular, boring old options?

For instance, say you draw into FloMo; not only is every bike ride home going to be uphill, but also, come on — your body can only take so much chicken tikka masala! Or maybe you can’t wait to live in Mirrielees next year. Look, by Week 6, you’ll either be ordering UberEats or cooking up ramen every night.

And hey, smug frosh dorm RAs: I’m tellin’ ya, the joke’s on you. I’m not gonna be the one cleaning up vomit next year! Same goes for all you ΔΦΓΚΣΘ bros out there.

So what’s my big secret you ask? What great place comes with a price tag of only $19.95 a quarter? Well, next year, I’ll be squatting in the steam tunnels. Yeah, that’s right — who needs a meal plan when you have packs of furry little rats runnin’ around? There’s interior heating and plumbing, too. And the asbestos? Vaden will take care of that. Follow your dreams, come live in the steam!

Oh shit, I think I just saw the clown from IT

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