Hey y’all, I’ve run into quite the conundrum: I woke up hungover and happy after an epic time at Frost, only to realize that my beautiful juul, Vanesssa, was nowhere to be found!
I’m writing this in the hopes that one of my faithful readers noticed Vanessa, lying there forlorn among the tall blades of grass, and took her under their wing as they would a wounded calf by the side of the road, or a child with a lightning shaped scar on his forehead, left on their doorstep by a bespectacled wizard with a long white beard.
But I digress. Vanessa is a truly unique electronic cigarette. She isn’t tube-like or boxy like those other vapes you see around town. No. Vanessa is slim and sexy. Her body is a sleek, thin, rectangular parallelepiped, jet black except for her name, “Vanessa”, etched in pink into the smooth metal of her supple exterior.
Now, I know what you may be thinking: “But Mitch, everyone and their grandmother was juuling at Frost. How do I know that the juul I just stepped on in the porta-potty is yours?”
And to that I answer: When you bring this apex of tobacco-alternative ingenuity to your mouth, run her cool, durable skin across your lips until you can feel her small opening, almost too tight for anything to get through, and you close your hot, wet mouth on her plastic Pandora’s box, and suck in, slowly at first, but then harder and faster, gradually speeding up until your lungs can’t take it anymore and you explode with pure ecstasy – when you have the most exquisite pulmonary orgasm of your entire mortal life – that’s when you know you’ve found my lovely Vanessa.
So please, I implore you, return her to me. To quote Shakespeare: “my heart doth grow weary in this cold, dark night, sans erotic electronic cigarette” (Fierberg).