Man Drinking Soylent Has No Time For Childish Frivolities Like Solid Food

October 30, 2017 12:00 pm
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Man Drinking Soylent Has No Time For Childish Frivolities Like Solid Food

STANFORD, CA — Monday at 9:26am, senior Computer Science major Waldorf Panderlin was seen biking across main quad, gulping Soylent from a 2-liter bottle on his way to CS 103. “No time!” he shrieked at our Flipside field reporter when asked to comment. More bags of powdered foodstuffs were visible poking out of his tweed messenger bag, labeled “breakfast,” “breakfast 2,” “lunch,” and “supper.” Sources say that Panderlin switched over to Soylent just days ago in an attempt to streamline food consumption and maximize productivity.

According to Joshua Levitz, Panderlin’s roommate, Panderlin woke up from a nap last Tuesday, realized he was late for class, and that he had already run out of his Arrillaga banana stockpile. He didn’t even have time to make a bowl of cereal. “I think that’s when he broke,” Levitz stated. “He ran out of the room screaming ‘THE CLOCK IS TICKING!!!’ and I haven’t seen him since.” Hoping that he might spend some time with his roommate in the midst of his busy schedule, Levitz waited in the dining hall for an afternoon to no avail. “I guess he’s switched over for real.” When asked what he had to say for himself, all Levitz could muster was a dejected, “I wish there was something I could’ve done to stop it.”

Now trending, the app Eating Efficacy has actualized Panderlin’s stated mission to “GET OUT OF MY WAY I’M BIKING I ALREADY TOLD YOU NO COMMENT” and initiated a movement to raise awareness about Time Privilege and to eliminate childish frivolities like eating solid food.