Stop him! Oh dear god, do you see what he’s doing? He’s beginning to scare the children. I realize that he has good intentions and all, but the mouth-breathing is just getting completely out of hand.  I’ve been planning Tommy’s birthday party for over a month now, and Ed is completely ruining it with each wheezy mouth-breath that comes out of his dumb, but kind face. I can see the fear and confusion in the children’s eyes—their innocent eyes have never seen a human breathe with their mouth gaping open and jaw completely slack like that.

Oh. No.  Please, someone stop Ed! He’s trying to play duck-duck-goose with the kids.  That is really quite sweet of him, but I can only imagine the deafening shitshow that will become Ed’s breathing pattern once he’s running around and smackin’ children’s heads.  Will ANYONE stop him? He is truly becoming a menace to this children’s birthday party.

Little Maria just looks absolutely terrified right now. Oh right, Ed insisted on playing peek-a-boo with her earlier; in other words, he very loudly and directly breathed out of his cavernous mouth and straight into the face of a scared child.  God, I hope these kids don’t tell their parents about the nightmarish scene assailing their eyes and ears.

Ed, if you’re reading this, please stop whatever you are doing. Go see a doctor or something and fix whatever is making you sound like a broken carburetor and look like a snake preparing to swallow a small to medium-sized dog.  We appreciate you, but we mostly fear what irreparable damage you are currently causing.

You May Also Like

Review of Activision’s Call of Booty: Black Cops Video Game

Call of Booty: Black Cops is a first-person shooter with stealth and…

Bollard Shows No Signs of Remorse

OLD UNION—For years, bollards have served the Stanford community well, peacefully reminding…

Area Man Declares Bottle of Jack His Best Friend

Area Man Jonathan Davies recently declared that a fifth of Jack Daniels…

U.S. Marines to Use Super Soakers as Main Firearms

Citing a desire to adopt a non-lethal approach to deterring enemies, the…