If you had talked to me about politics a few weeks ago, I would’ve had one thing and one thing only to say to you: these college kids need to stop it with their damn safe spaces! Out in the real world, they can’t expect everyone to coddle them and all their little special-interest intersectional fantasies. That’s just not what America is about.

Then, last night while I was heading home from work, a pack of timber wolves started relentlessly stalking me. And now I’m starting to rethink this whole safe space thing.

I mean, look, half a dozen hours ago, I would’ve gone so far as to say that social justice warriors are the single worst thing to happen to America since frickin’ Pearl Harbor! But now that there are seven haggard, hungry apex predators tracking my scent across miles of suburban sprawl, slowly gaining ground as my Subaru Hatchback’s fuel gauge inches closer and closer to empty, I can’t pretend I wouldn’t appreciate an open and accepting environment of my own, especially one free from the ripping claws and gnashing snouts of these vicious hellhounds.

Wait, wait, did you hear that? That was a howl, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it? No, maybe not.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the safe spaces. Look, granted, I wouldn’t be thrilled if I found a discreet hideaway from my lupine tormentors only for it to already be full of a bunch of self-congratulatory special snowflakes, what with their hashtags and their skinny jeans and their organic vegan quinoa. But come on, I’d put up with their company if it was the only thing standing between me and this horrid enclave of blood-enraged beast dogs.

Don’t get me wrong — I still hate libtards, and I’d like nothing more than to bathe in the sweet tears of their “everyone gets a trophy” self-pity. I’m just saying, even a broken clock is right twice a day, so maybe these millennial cucks are onto something with the whole safe space idea. I know I for one would love a well-fortified bunker of some sort where I could wait out this whole wolf thing until it blows over and they lose interest in the hunt.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…