On Friday, March 8, the University rolled out a brand new model of inefficiency, which they believe will revolutionize bureaucracies everywhere. Stanford committees will all now conform to the highest standards of bureaucratic wastefulness.
“We have been running studies for months to examine how to best mismanage time and energy by looking at prime examples of frustrating time wasting such as construction workers, football referees, and people who play chess,” said University Productivity Chair Patrick Simmons. “We finally realized that they all stand around scratching their heads and furrowing their brows when things aren’t going right.”
The exhaustive studies of construction workers revealed that a staggering percentage of their time is spent standing in a vaguely circular formation around a problem, looking puzzled. In addition, 60 percent of football referees’ shittiest decisions are made after huddling around to review a play. The University plans to implement a similar problem-solving strategy beginning in April.
“We’re going to have biweekly meetings in which we all gather around one computer and frown at problematic emails,” said Simmons. “I think it will really improve the synergy of the University’s most complex decision-making.”