Reports are coming in from Hollywood that the Oscar Statue, the gold-plated symbol of achievement in cinema, has come to life and is now extremely, extremely horny. The statuette, resting at 13.5 inches and weighing 8.5 lbs achieved sentience earlier today before developing an insatiable sex-drive, despite not having any hormones, genitalia, or way to communicate that it is horny.
“Frankly, we don’t know what to do about this situation,” said Academy Award commissioner Pierre Boufeaux. “In fact, we don’t even know if this is a good or bad thing. We suppose that a statue coming to life is impressive, but then again we didn’t do anything to cause this. We can’t take the credit — or blame — on this one.” The commissioner then added “But the horny thing…yeah, we don’t know what to do about that.”
R.S. Owens & Company, the manufacturers of the Oscar statue, appear to be equally perplexed by this situation. In an official press release issued by the foundry and metal working company, they stated that “[they] do know where a defect of this sort could have stemmed from, but [they] are launching a full investigation into this new, lustful statue.”
The statuette, a naked gold man with no penis, is still very much trapped in his traditional metallic shell. As such, he probably poses no threat to anyone, but some ethics experts are still wondering whether it is justified to destroy the first statue capable of emotion, even if that emotion is horniness. For now, however, the owners of the statue are allowing the gold man to just stand there for a while, hopefully so that he becomes way less horny.
At press time, the statue began emitting a noise that some people claimed was a sort of moaning.
