Billionaire Phil Knight announced a $400 million donation to create the new Knight-Hennessy Scholars Program last Wednesday, hugely expanding Stanford’s financial aid capability but still probably being oppressive and systemically problematic in some way, though, right?

“I’m just waiting for a few thought pieces to bubble up so I know who’s being strangled by this thin veil of unparalleled generosity,” one sophomore commented, scrolling through Facebook for telltale signs of indignant dissent. “Like, come on, there’s definitely some way in which this whole gift thing is some indefensible attack on the weak, isn’t there?”

Members of FLIP, SOCC, and various other groups representing marginalized students congregated Saturday to hash out the issue, but failed to find any demographic for whom Knight’s donation caused any amount of unconscionable, colonialism-reinforcing damage. “We’re definitely not saying this ISN’T a cleverly disguised tool of hegemony,” a spokesperson said as the meeting adjourned. “We just haven’t figured out how it is one yet.”

Until they do, writers for STATIC and the Review alike have agreed to put off publishing any scathing Op-Eds or passive-aggressive public letters. “I guess we’ll just have to wait,” a Daily editor said, sharing a Treehouse pitcher with assorted editors from the previously mentioned publications, who shrugged in agreement. “Here’s to whatever we find.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…