Concerned the unfortunate grade might be a “deal-breaker”, worried freshman Carson Nichols told reporters yesterday that he fears the C on his transcript—the first of his academic career—might ruin his romantic aspirations. “I just don’t know what I’ll say—should I be upfront about it, or should I just never bring it up?” wondered a visibly anxious, sweaty Nichols. “Like, maybe I could sell that it was freshman year and I was really stressed out about transitioning to life here—but is that even true? Am I really just trying to deny I’m just a stupid loser who never deserves any fulfillment in life and will never find it no matter how hard I try? Fuck, I don’t know what to do!”

Nichols’ friends have tried to help him, but sources confirm their attempts have been largely unsuccessful. “I mean, we’ve tried to get Nichols to keep things in perspective, but he insists that he’ll likely never form a family and will probably devolve into homelessness soon if he doesn’t get his act together,” reported roommate Matt Simmons, who claims to have maintained his straight A record and still has a decent chance at a happy, healthy marriage. “No matter what we say, he always just falls into hysterics, spouting off about ‘missed opportunities’ and ‘failure’ and a bunch of other nonsense that frankly, I don’t understand. It’s sad, really.

At press time, sources confirmed that upon refreshing his transcript, Simmons’ own descent into madness was guaranteed.

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