The party scene at Stanford fraternities this year has been off to a good start, with such successful shindigs as “KAbo” and “Sigma Nu Orleans.” The pressure to put on parties with totally sick names, however, may be getting to fraternities this quarter.

“It is a well-known fact that people only want to attend frat parties with clever names. If there isn’t a pun, there isn’t a party,” says Marky DeMarky, President of Phi Kappa Psi and campus’s most notorious party-pun developer. “You know how it is. If you’re at a party with a dumb name, you just don’t feel like celebrating. There’s an ancient Frat proverb… ‘No pun, no fun.’ Or maybe it’s ‘no pun, no fun.’ Either way, I’ve devoted my life to observing that proverb. ”

Over the past few weeks, this “pun duty” has become increasingly stressful for fraternity members, as almost all of the good party names have been taken. Currently, upcoming functions include such themes as “Sigma Alpha EpsiLawn Gnomes,” “Kappa SigMaternity Leave,” “KAste System,” “Phi Kappa Psigns of Dehydration,” and “Theta Delta Kyle Massey.”

These announcements have been met with public outrage, and several fraternities have already received threats. Seven frat members have gone missing, and the entirety of Sigma Nu is reportedly on the lam after last weekend’s failed event, “Sigma Nu Car Smell Party.” Authorities are currently on the case, and SUDPS will be throwing “Search Party” this coming weekend. All campus. Bring your own flashlight.

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