1810s:

Cotton Gin Found To Not Be As Tasty As Regular Gin

Sacajawea Threatens To Turn This Goddamn Expedition Right Around

1820s:

Simon Bolivar Defeats Jose de San Martin in a Thumb War to Decide Who Gets to Name Things

1830s:

Op-Ed: Dammit, I Forgot the Alamo Again

1840s:

 “California Gold Rush Just Myth,” Reports Rich Local Prospector on Gold-Plated Train

The Seneca Falls But Gets Up Because She’s A Strong Independent Woman

1850s:

Commodore Perry Attributes Japanese Success To “Lots of Practice With Barn Doors”

1860s:

Civil War Ends All Racism!

1870s:

First Telephone Conversation Ends In Accidental ‘I Love You’

1880s:

California Railway Magnate Family Gives Back to “Common American;” Founds School with 5% Admission Rate

1890:

Area Man Buys New Pair of Knickerbockers, Still Unfuckable

1900s:

Ford Motor Company Builds First Car, a 2003 Toyota Matrix

Crying baby totally ruins Wright Brother’s first flight

1910s:

Op-Ed: Wait, Why Are We Calling This “World War I”?

Einstein’s Theory of General Relativity Earns Him a Solid Handy

Ottoman Empire Liquidated—Couches, Armchairs Also On Sale

1920s:

Women Finally Earn Right To Choose Not To Vote

1930s:

Germans Run Out Of Snow, Poverty; Invade Poland To Take Theirs

1940s:

1947 Chinese Revolution, Cheaper, Faster Than American One

Oppenheimer Drops Hottest New Mixtape of 1945, “Manhattan Project EP”

1950s:

Watson and Crick Discover DNA, Are Immediately Deemed “Not the Father”

“Pre-Teen Adamant She Does Not ‘Like-Like’ Ike”

1960s:

Woman Discovers She’s Been Burning the Wrong Size Bra All Along

Laika The Dog Goes To Space And My Dog Gets Poop Stuck In Its Fur

Civil Right Movement Ends All Racism!

1970s:

Failed Disney Foray Into Chinese Market With “Mickey Mao’s Club”

“Khmer Rouge Worst Chanel Product Ever”

1980s:

Lone Man Excited To Go To East Germany After Fall of Berlin Wall

“The Beastie Boys Have Finally Arrived In Brooklyn And They Are So Tired Now”

1990s:

First Picture of A Boob Sent Over Internet, Shortly Followed by First Unwanted Dick Pic

2000s:

Truth No Longer Inconvenient, Just Really Fucking Annoying

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