In keeping with the preservation of Stanford’s pristine image, the school administration has spent Parents’ Weekend denying the existence of the blight that is Meyer Library. Students caught pointing out the gnarled remains of the building to their parents have mysteriously disappeared, and those who remained only giggled nervously when their parents asked about the fenced in thing next to Coupa Cafe, stammering, “What are you talking about? I don’t see anything except gorgeous Green Library over there! Look, mom! Green Library is great! Stanford is great! Everything is doubleplusgood!”

Monday morning, students have begun to reappear on campus completely devoid of spirit and life. Some are even sporting some facial scars that look like they were created by the teeth of an angry rat. One junior who has requested to remain anonymous remarked, “My little brother was visiting and asked me about the ruins. I…uh…had no idea what he was talking about. What is Meyer? Oscar Meyer? What do hot dogs have to do with anything? Please…THEY’LL COME BACK FOR ME.”

It seems that while the administration has done everything in its power to make Stanford appear perfect, the architectural atrocities that are any building named after Arillaga are still proudly showcased, as is the highly ranked but hideous Stanford Law School. As of press time, the Claw still has no water in it and Meyer’s ruined corpse is still barely standing and…someone is currently shoving a bag over my head.

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