GLENDALE, ARIZ.—Long after the fireworks and the confetti had settled on the turf, prizes still abounded for the players involved in this year’s Super Bowl. After the trophy presentation, The University of Phoenix, whose name graces the stadium in which Super Bowl XLIX was held, awarded every player with a complementary degree in Business Administration. The for-profit university generously waived tuition for the professional athletes, who were shocked and astounded by the night’s true prize.

Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots, was bursting with excitement.  “When I walked out on that field tonight, I had my eye on that Lombardi Trophy and nothing else,” he confessed, “but now, look at this! I’m also prepared for the job market in a tough economic climate!” Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch was equally effusive, saying that, “Financial knowledge is invaluable in these times, and having attended Cal, I was humbled to receive a degree from an actually accredited university.”

Sources at the University of Phoenix told the Flipside that this was not a plan from the get-go. “Once we noticed that the sixty minute duration of the game was more time anyone has spent in a real University of Phoenix facility, we determined that the players had put an effort to commensurate for the conferral of degrees. Additionally, we can film some fantastic alumni commercials!”

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