Op-Ed: The Tree Is a Bullshit Position For Loud Assholes. Vote Sarah Young.

February 17, 2015 12:00 pm
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Op-Ed: The Tree Is a Bullshit Position For Loud Assholes. Vote Sarah Young.

Do you get a deviant thrill from being incredibly quirky, but quirky in an unbelievably rehearsed and encouraged way so that your smiling mug can be used for university propaganda? Do you often think to yourself, “Man, am I going to look good on Instagram when this picture of me holding a phallic object goes viral!” Do you have a preternaturally long tongue, most likely caused by centuries of inbreeding? Good news, my friend! You can enter the running for the Stanford Tree, a position for loud and boorish assholes who are usually found doing everything in their power not to yell, “I am so lovably kooky” in your face while riding past on a unicycle full of boba. Vote Sarah Young for Tree.

Sarah Young is among the loudest and most insincere people I have ever met. Having her in my acquaintance has taken years off of my life and made me much more frightened of loud noises and mice. These qualities make her perfect to be the new Stanford Tree, a position requiring both a fake smile that hides years of repressed bitterness as well as the ability to dance uncoordinatedly while thrusting your pelvis at any screen in the vicinity. She can do this, I have seen it, and my iPhone camera roll is now unsuitable for public viewing. It also has footage of Sarah hurling invective at my feeble grandmother, who recently suffered a broken hip. I can think of no better candidate to be the new Tree.

Remember, being the Tree is an exercise in proving yourself not only the most offensive, but also the most juvenile person on Stanford’s campus. Nothing says higher education like twerking in a costume you made out of felt and glitter while high on God knows what and making incoherent noises that inevitably end in, “Blaaargh! Fuck Cal!”

Vote Sarah Young for Tree and get her out of our lives.

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