Much to their chagrin, students at both Stanford and Cal were shocked to find out this week that, for once, the Big Game actually mattered. With both teams mired in the midst of mediocrity at 5 wins, students on both campuses reported a distinct sense of unease as they discovered that there was some element of stakes leading up to this year’s Big Game, a feeling unfelt since the dark era of Jim Tedford and Walt Harris.

Unaccustomed to this newfound anticipation, Stanford senior Jacob Masterson said, “I just don’t know what to do with myself this year. I’ve spent my whole college career knowing there was no reason for me to ever care about Big Game, what with us being awesome at football and them sucking. Hell, one year we had Josh Nunes and we still beat them by 30.” On the other side of the Bay, Cal senior David Flask agreed. “I have so much more time on my hands now that I’m not spending my week curled up on the ground in the fetal position, crying, knowing that we have no hope of ever winning. Now, my week’s going OK. I reconnected with my family, helped an old lady cross the road, and reveled in being .500.”

Although the schools have failed to adequately replace competition at a sport of relatively high interest with a sense of importance surrounding averagely intriguing sports like the “Big Field Hockey Match,” both sides can rest easy knowing they are converging upon utter football normality. However, reports indicate that Stanford’s feelings were tinged with a sense of shame and disappointment, while Cal’s emotions were moderated by unbridled joy at finally, finally approaching mediocrity, in all aspects of their lives.

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