Cougar Sighting 10/28/2014
A cougar was seen prowling and stalking freshmen on 10/28/2014 at 8:46pm, in the vicinity of 738 Frenchman’s Road. Public Safety has searched the area and there are no additional sightings reported, although they have recovered several cans of hairspray and a bedazzled leather purse from the scene.
If you see a cougar, call her ex-husband, Carl, to come pick her up.
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DO NOT APPROACH THE COUGAR, especially one that is feeding or with kittens. Most cougars will try to avoid confrontation, but they can be tempted into action by male college-aged students in Chubbies.
COUGARS ARE VERY DANGEROUS. IF YOU SEE A COUGAR, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO MATE WITH IT.
Here are a few tips:
If you encounter a cougar, do not run; instead, face the animal, wave your arms and try to look older. Shine bright fluorescent lights in the direction of the cougar to expose her aging complexion.
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The cougar will likely be embarrassed and retreat to a dimmer location like a nightclub they just found out about on Yelp.
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