As one of their first official duties in office, Stanford’s newly-minted ASSU Senators have pledged to devote their time and attention to address the issues surrounding the widening gap between the upper and lower classmen on campus.

“We see upperclassmen increasingly distancing themselves from the pack in terms of accessibility to graduate-level classes, interest from prospective employers, and even research money,” Senator Molly Jordan commented.  “Something just isn’t right when the upper 25% of our population receives 100% of the full-time job offers that begin in June.”

The new ASSU legislators hope to level the playing field by creating a broader “middle class” of citizens where hard-work and intelligence is valued above the influence of one’s class.

“We think everyone should be in that perfect sophomore-junior range when you’ve learned enough to become employable, but aren’t completely jaded or cynical yet,” Jordan added.

Opponents of the ASSU’s vision assert that the actual divide between the upper and lower class is far less dramatic than the student government’s rhetoric suggests.

“Just look at the similarity between freshmen and seniors right now,” one such activist asserted.  “They are both desperately trying to get jobs, even though it seems hopeless, and spending an inordinate amount of time drinking beers in the afternoon sun.”

As of press time, the ASSU was proposing tax increases on the upper class through an increase in the suggested Senior Gift donation amount.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…