Earlier this week, hackers managed to gain access to the script of the new Godzilla film currently under production. The websites hosting the scripts have since been sued into oblivion, but Warner Bros. executives are still worried that critical spoilers may have leaked.

“Godzilla is a very emotional movie that touches on a lot of modern themes in innovative and delicate ways,” said one spokesperson of the media giant. “Furthermore, the film relies on its brilliant actors to masterfully deliver the dialogue. On the page, such brilliant lines as ‘Oh no, there goes Tokyo’, just don’t carry the same weight.”

The Internet has nevertheless been buzzing with news of the film, and fake or unfounded rumors have already begun gaining traction online: from people suggesting that the sun might actually be out for a few shots in the film to others saying that Liam Neeson will be playing the role of the giant water lizard, nothing is certain. However, after careful research and with help from a few trusted sources, we can confirm that:

·      The film will involve a giant lizard
·      (Unconfirmed): The lizard’s name is Godzilla
·      The lizard will destroy at least one building. Possibly more.
·      Morgan Freeman turned down the role of Godzilla amid controversy
·      Tokyo is probably fucked
·      Humanity will probably survive and get over the whole thing after expending an embarrassing amount of resources battling the giant lizard and a celebratory montage involving jet-fighter salutes
·      The giant lizard is a metaphor for the patriarchy

However, it’s worth noting that as the film is still under production, all of these details may as yet be changed before the movie is released. Morgan Freeman has declined to comment on the proceedings, though Lawrence Fishburne has announced that he was at one point considered for the role.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…