I know it’s been a rough past couple of years for our rivalry. I know we’ve been trying to make it work but I feel like we’ve been together so long and it’s just boring now. You don’t even try anymore. Remember ‘The Play?’ That used to be us! Now it’s just another 21-3 Stanford victory, it hardly makes coming over to see you worth it. It’s just not exciting anymore. What happened to the flame?! To stealing the Axe?! I mean, I just… I just think it’s time we cut things off.
I mean let’s be real, the BCS had me at a 4. A 4, even after the rendezvous with Utah! You used to be up there too, and you…you’ve just let yourself go. You’re not even ranked anymore. Maybe we should just take some time apart, I know Colorado and Utah have been looking for someone new ever since they joined the Pac-12, maybe you could try seeing them? I need something exciting! And yes, I’ll admit it; I had affairs with Oregon and USC ok! It felt so right, the triple overtime victory in the Coliseum in 2011, the overtime field goal win at Autzen last year. USC even beat us this year, I mean that’s what a true rivalry is supposed to be like! I felt alive again, and you just don’t do that for me anymore. I need somebody who’s really on my level, who can really give me a challenge…you’re just not good enough for me. We’ve had our ups and downs over the past 116 years, but I think maybe it’s finally time we say our goodbyes.
Anyways, maybe we still can be friends? I mean we’re close enough; maybe we can grab coffee in San Francisco sometime? I don’t want you to cry, I can already imagine the tears welling up in your eyes. I just can’t keep living a lie anymore. I need to move on and you’re holding me back from ESPN and FOX primetime. It’s not me, it’s you, Cal, it’s you.