This week, as classwork kicks into gear and the novel becomes the
routine, upperclassmen have finally started to entertain the idea of
tolerating the existence of a theoretical “new” group of freshmen on
campus. Unfortunately, not everything is gumdrops and janitors’ mops
for the new class, as one student astutely pointed out.

“There are just too many goddamned syllables in our class year,”
fumed Aaron Levinson to a Flipside reporter just outside of MemAud,
his lanyard whipping wildly in the winds of change. “I mean, we’ve
been doing the whole class roll call thing, and it’s like ‘FOUR-TEEN,’
‘FIF-TEEN,’ ‘SIX-TEEN,’ ‘SEV-en-TEEN.’ That’s some bullshit.” Not only is
it “some bullshit,” authorities at the Vaden Health Center also claim
that this vestigial syllable could pose long-term problems for the
freshman class.“If you’ll look right here,” said Vaden’s Dr. Doherty,
gesturing vaguely to the results of a WebMD search. “It would appear
that this extra syllable, with its effects compounded over several
dozen, guttural uses, will probably cause sore throats or some shit.”
Doherty went on to detail the horrific effects of previous pandemics,
from the 2011 Scratchy Throat Crisis, to the campus-wide Vocal
Depression of the mid-to-late 1930’s. Campus authorities are
desperate not to repeat these catastrophes, but the clock is ticking.

“The class of ’17 is a lost cause,” lamented engineer Akiko Jenkins.
“But we still have three good years left after that before we’re done for
good. The trick is to develop a viable facsimile of what we call ‘The
Early Millennial Event.’ I mean, just look at the classes of ’01, ’02, ’03,
and so on. They were more than healthy-throated students. They were
gods.”

A prototype number-substitute is currently in the works for the class of
2021, but focus groups have reported that the word, “TWONE,” sounds
“even dumber than ‘HooTow,’ for Christ’s sake.”

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