Twain freshman Mark Morris was greeted with an unwelcome surprise this past week when he was alerted to the fact that he was, in fact, Caucasian. Said his floormate, James Anduro, “It was starting to become a problem and making things awkward in the dorm and that’s why we had to step in. I mean, I don’t think it’s culturally appropriate to begin a Crossing the Line talk by describing your problems finding an all-night Taco Bell in Whitehaven, Connecticut.”
Morris, when asked for further comment, seems to react with a mixture of shock and horrified amazement. He stated, “My whole life philosophy has completely changed. I have Coolio on my iPod. Do you know how culturally deficient that makes me? This is the worst thing to happen to me since my family lost their home in St. Barts.”
Clearly, Morris will have to undergo drastic changes in order to fit in with his newly discovered ethnicity, considering that, according to junior RA, Molly Craig, “He spent much of the year claiming that I was persecuting him for not allowing him to undercut his stock prices in the dorm.”
However, there is a happy ending to this sad story. Morris has managed to find new brothers, who represent an escape from the diversity that has long plagued his life: his new fraternity brothers, who commented, “He’s a pledge. He chugs like a bitch, just like the rest of them.”
