Recruiters for the US Special Forces approached local resident Mark Matthews yesterday to offer him a position in their prestigious ranks, impressed by his ability to carry all of his groceries into his home in only one trip. Matthews, who works in the data storage company Intenzor, shops once a week for himself, his wife, and his son. In order to even begin to carry a week’s load of food for three people from his car to his kitchen, Matthews successfully threaded his arm through several plastic bag handles in an impressive acrobatic display. He may have held several bags suspended from just a single finger. To do not only this, but to then remove his key from his pocket and unlock the front door, managing to close it behind him, stands as a testimony to Matthews’ fortitude and ingenuity, according to Special Forces recruiter Dan Ruthum.
“To be honest, we’ve been keeping an eye on him for a while now,” said Ruthum, “ever since he got on our radar after hearing reports that he can often toss crumpled paper into his trashcan while sitting at his desk — a distance of nearly 12 feet!”
As discussions between Matthews and the military continue, more incredible abilities are coming to light. Matthews is able, for example, to lift clothes and other objects from the floor with his feet and fling them with unerring accuracy to his hand, and there have been unconfirmed reports that he once parallel parked in heavy traffic. “Plus,” added Matthews in an exclusive interview, “I can drink, like, a lot of beer.”