Speaking with reporters after leaving school for the day, local first grader Dennis Miller expressed concern last week that his less than stellar academic history might prevent him from becoming the fastest racecar driver ever. Miller cited increasingly competitive admission rates to racecar school, a lack of minority status, and a grade of ‘check minus’ on his fingerpainted drawing of an owl in a tree as reasons for his distress.

Sources report that Miller met with guidance counselor Deborah Hewitt last week to discuss his concerns. Hewitt conceded that Dennis’s academics will make admission into the most competitive racecar driver programs “challenging,” but also asserted that Dennis’s “What I Did Last Summer” essay is witty and genuine, and that academics are only one aspect of the admission criteria. Hewitt stressed that if Miller is able to effectively communicate his desire to “go really fast” on his applications and during interviews, it will speak volumes to his strength as an applicant.

In spite of his concern, Dennis remains optimistic. He may, in fact, be able to attain a “check plus” in art, providing that he aces next week’s end-of-the-year crayon sketch project; but sources say Miller knows deep down that isn’t going to fucking happen. Additionally, insider information concluded Miller’s best friend isn’t helping his morale, since he won’t shut up about how his academic performance perfectly coincides with his career plan to become a dragon when he grows up.

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