Students all across the Stanford campus are currently outraged upon hearing of the recent decision by many fraternities to choose their future pledges based purely on their strength of character and the quality of their convictions, rather than the current strategy, which consists of a drunken extravaganza of dart-throwing and the fabled game of ‘Smash or Pass.’ Said Sigma Chi Rush Chair Mike Conley, ‘You know, we got kinda tired of the flattery and guy-flirting that happens ritually during Rush week, and so we just decided to consider applicants based on whether we thought they were good, upstanding members of the community. It’s a novel idea, but we hope that this can take Greek life at Stanford to new heights.’
Unsurprisingly, many of Stanford’s most chill bros were disgusted with what they consider to be a barbaric measure. When reached for comment, Donner freshman Brett Carlson stated, ‘This is complete BS. I spent one full hour getting a deep tan for this shit and practicing my Spring Break stories in the mirror and they come out with this. It’s a disgrace. Incidentally, this year, me and some other dudes hit up Malibu, pretty chill, I know, and we just raged all day. All day, brah. You should have come, bro. We got hella wasted with some Long Beach State chicks and, you know.’ Carlson is not alone in his consternation. Otero resident James DeMonte argued, ‘How else am I supposed to get into a fraternity if I can’t pretend like I’m interested in what hobbies they have? I don’t give two shits about whether someone can play the ukulele, but you’ll still find me there, talking about the G chord in ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow.’
Although this new measure seems to have irked the Class of ’16, reports indicate that rush applications have not dimmed. Said Carl Brett, Soto resident, ‘Come on, Siggy Nu had a carnival. A bouncy-house, bro. That shit’s off the chain.’
