In a shocking press release last Friday, top researchers at SLAC have announced their discovery of a previously untapped power source: Leland Stanford’s corpse.

Theoretical Physicist and part-time warrior poet Richard Wallace told the Flipside, “The amount of energy that we’ve been able to generate is astounding. We’re talking about energy levels rivaling that of a few minutes after the Big Bang.”

Wallace has interns working around the clock to maximize the potential of this new source.  “We’ve discovered that the more abbreviations in the Stanford vernacular, the more Joules generated by Leland’s corpse,” doctoral student Heather Sebree reports.  “Some of our finest work has been with MemAud, HooTow, and FroSoCo, and we are currently trying to crack the Dinkelspiel conundrum.”

Despite Sebree’s peer-reviewed research, not all are convinced that abbreviations are the source of this groundbreaking power source. Stanford Sophomore Danny Trevino believes that Leland Stanford might just be trying to find the “cold spot” on his pillow: “I was walking to TressU so I could get a CarMach at the CoHo and I thought, what if LS just wants to find a CoSpo?”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…