Daily Op-Ed Writer Uses All His Big Boy Words

November 19, 2013 12:00 pm
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Daily Op-Ed Writer Uses All His Big Boy Words

Critics and literary experts alike were astonished by a recently published opinion pieces by rising star Adam Feinberg in the Stanford Daily, hailing them as triumphs of written thought.

A regular reader of Adam’s articles, almost always minutes after being published, Mrs. Feinberg has been exceedingly impressed by her son’s work. “Adam has really matured; you can tell from how big his words are. He used to use words like ‘good’ and now when I read his writing I can’t understand anything! Clearly, he’s a big time writer now. I’m so proud.”

“The author’s ability to take the most trite, banal ideas and express them with beautiful, florid prose got our attention immediately,” reported Dr. Shelley Greene, literary critic. “Note in last week’s op-ed how the author is mad that FloMo Dining is now closed on the weekends; of course, if he were to simply say this, he would be no better than those small wild dogs that scavenge for food and roll about in their own feces, or perhaps those children that miss the critical period for language and spend the rest of their days moaning and gesturing under the care of the Federal Government. No, the author isn’t mad; he’s ‘livid in regards to recent foolishness,’ and ‘wholly disquieted by the administration’s imprudent exploits.’ Brilliant.”

In an interview with fellow Daily journalist Marcus Brown, Brown attributes the advances in Feinberg’s writing to a series of writing workshops. “What we do is think of common, everyday things and then try to say them in a way that sounds a lot more interesting and verbose. Lately, Adam has truly been a cut above the rest. Last week he transformed ‘light bulb’ into ‘luminous scintillation irradiator.’ It was breathtaking.”

After hearing about his mythical morphological mastery, correspondents at the Flipside interviewed Feinberg to discuss his recent writing. “I just pull out a thesaurus and work my magic. I always keep at least one in this handy dandy holster right here on my hips. See?” Feinberg proceeded to wink at me before quick-drawing two pocket Roget’s Thesauruses out of either side of his belt and firing “perfidiousness” and “magnanimous” at us to use in our own writing. Nice shooting, Tex.