Nicolas Cage Not Accused of Sexual Harassment

November 13, 2017 12:00 pm
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Nicolas Cage Not Accused of Sexual Harassment

In a shocking turn of events this week, Hollywood power player Nicolas Cage was not accused of sexual harassment. In the wake of horrifying reports concerning the sexual misconduct of Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, Louis C.K., and many others, the general public and Hollywood insiders alike felt certain that the allegations would continue on to include the star of the National Treasure franchise, and were reportedly stunned when they did not.

In a deeply personal blog post, Gawker staff writer Nicki Summers explained that she “just felt like Nicolas Cage was the natural next step.” Others were equally taken aback. When told that Cage, of such box office successes as Season of the Witch and The Wicker Man, had not been accused of sexual harassment, Trevor Arguello of Dallas, TX confessed feelings of shock and outrage.

“When I heard the news,” Arguello recalled, “I was disgusted. How could this man not have committed such atrocities? I mean, just look at him!”

Yet despite overwhelming public opinion, no one — from an office intern to an entertainment reporter to an underpaid film extra — has come forward to accuse Cage of leveraging his power to take sexual advantage of them.

When asked to respond to the absence of allegations, a visibly confused and surprised Cage accidentally implicated former comedian and for-sure pervert Dane Cook in the ever-expanding scandal of their never having committed any Hollywood sex crimes.