Want to know how this new year is going to go before it happens? Here at the Flipside we’ve taken some effort to peer into your future for you:
Aries: Today is no different than any other day. Despite your best efforts to improve your life for this new year, you will fail miserably. Things next year will be the same as this year, and most likely worse considering how badly the stars are aligned against you.
Taurus: You will litter today. It will haunt you, but there is nothing you can do to avoid it. Litter is your destiny, your fate.
Gemini: Your refusal to learn the definition of cosmic irony will come back to bite you this week when you attend a dinner party on a cruise ship named “Blissful Ignorance.”
Cancer: This week, you will inherit the Earth. Live large, go all out, eat a burrito, fly a kite–the sky’s the limit and the world is in the palm of your hand. You are the cat’s meow. People listen to you–make them regret it.
Leo: Steer clear of cottage cheese this week. Shit’s gross.
Virgo: Take the red pill. It’s ecstasy, and it’s fantastic.
Libra: One of the horoscopes you read today will come true. Not this one, though.
Scorpio: You will make a new friend this week. You will mistakenly give your phone number to this friend, who will then bother you for hours on end. This won’t slow down at all until police get involved.
Sagittarius: The stars suggest that you are like their good friend, Pluto; you used to be cool but now you aren’t. Today, you should probably sign up for World of Warcraft, move into your parents’ basement, and become the bitter recluse that the stars say you should be.
Capricorn: Let it all hang out this week. And by “it” the stars don’t mean your genitals, pervert.
Aquarius: Tonight, you’re a shining star. Your Pea Coat is sleek and your hair is freshly cut. You’ll be the life of the party, the one everybody wants to be around, and the one who gets the chicks at the end of the night. It is only tomorrow when you’ll realize that the girl you took home was your cousin, who was driving your drunk ass back to your parents’ house, and that she refused your advances because incest is gross and so is the vomit you sprayed all over her new dress. Tomorrow, your memory will fail you, and for this you should be thankful.
Pisces: This year you will celebrate a birthday, most likely between the dates of February 19 and March 20. You will know it’s your birthday because dozens of people you don’t really give a fuck about will write something dumb like “happy birthday” on your Facebook wall, while your real friends (who are your friends because they have lives outside of Facebook) will not know it’s your birthday. Then your real friends will feel awkward when after talking to you for an hour on your birthday, someone you don’t know wishes you a happy birthday, while on a 10 minute break from Facebook.