Sources close to the Arrillaga Family report that on Monday, construction and real estate mogul John Arrillaga woke up after several blacked-out years of continuous binge drinking to discover that he had financed and facilitated the construction of billions of dollars worth of Stanford facilities.

Reportedly, the business man and philanthropist was sitting hunched-over at his breakfast nook when an assistant asked for approval on the blueprints for a new building he had no recollection of donating. His mood quickly shifted from confused to enraged when he learned of all the other buildings he had financed over the years. “Why the fuck would I build two gyms?” he asked his terrified secretary, “And why did they approve the new dining hall? There are three others within a block!”

University administrators are concerned that such a reliable source of funding may “dry up,” but reassured trustees with the fact that Helen Bing’s opium addiction is still going strong.

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