News has been flitting around the campus lately that the ASSU will be releasing the names of students who request a refund from Special Fees groups. Here at the Flipside, we are very excited to get the names of people on this list, and I’ll tell you right here what we will do with those names.

First, we will carry that list of names around with us at all times in our best attempt to deny you of all Flipside-related services. This means if we see you laughing at a Flipside article, or looking at someone enjoying a Flipside puzzle, or in a room with someone who knows someone who read the Flipside once, we will bring out our Special Fees sponsored Flipside SWAT team to take you away to a remote location far, far away from the main quad.

We’ll lock you somewhere in a room and make you write apologetic sentences on a chalkboard until you get very tired, and then make you watch Requiem for a Dream on repeat. At that point, we’ll see how you feel, and then start making you eat dining hall hot dogs for the next five hours. There’s many more things we’ll do after that, but I am not allowed by our current editors to say those things here.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…