PALO ALTO – You know the story. At six a child looses their first tooth. Their parent tells them that it’s a perfectly normal part of life, and if they leave it under their pillow the tooth fairy will exchange it for money. Excited, the child does just that. But a recent study conducted by the UCSF School of Dentistry reveals the shocking truth that not all teeth are created equal.

Professor F.T. Barns, D.D.S, explained the data as such: “Once we averaged all the numbers and plotted tooth-value versus parental income, the trend was pretty clear. For every $100,000 dollars of additional income tooth value goes up $5. And that’s even after we removed ultra-high outliers that were skewing the data, like when a kid gets keys to a ferrari under his pillow.”

Upon the publishing of those figure, protests against class-based tooth discrimination have sprung up in cities around the country. The American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit against the Tooth Fairy, claiming that the collected data proves a bias in her organization that should result in the removal of their status as a 401(c) non-profit organization. The trial is currently on hold as documentation that defines the Tooth Fairy organization’s status could not be located, and neither the Tooth Fairy nor her representatives could be reached for comment.

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