University Liquidates One Billion Dollars In Assets, Floods Quad

STANFORD—Yesterday, the Stanford Management Company (SMC) announced the liquidation of billion in assets to recoup losses from the global financial crisis.

The assets in question, which included deceased Stanford presidents, securitized Mongolian yurt mortgages, and the Dish’s old SETI device, flooded the Main Quad over the last several business days, preventing hydrophobic students from getting to class.

Overflow from the liquidation was diverted to west campus, where Lagunita became an actual lake for the first time in twenty years.