UNDISCLOSED LOCATION- Two freshmen were spotted emerging sweaty and red-faced from Stanford’s famed network of steam tunnels late Monday evening after a period of underground sexual debauchery. They did not exit the steam tunnels with the usual contented swagger of a copulating couple; rather, they seemed highly disturbed and uncomfortable.
“Cosmo and Elle always advertised sex to me as something that is best when hot and steamy,” said the female, whose name will remain anonymous, “so I told Kyle that we should do it in the hottest and steamiest place that I had heard of on campus.”
“Big mistake,” commented the male, “I should never have followed her advice. It was just too hot and steamy in there, I couldn’t even concentrate.”
“It was terrible,” she said, “and the hotness and steaminess made it even more uncomfortable. If good sex is supposed to be hot and steamy like that, then I never want to have sex again.” Originally arriving at Stanford with plans to be a communications major, she now wants to switch to Religious Studies and join a convent. Kyle, who had planned to be a biomedical engineer, now plans to be a feminist studies major.