WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that critics around the nation are calling “preposterous”, Congress rejected a bailout plan for inmate number 36788 of the Arlington County Jail.
Inmate number 36788 has been in the Arlington County Jail for fifteen years now, serving a sentence for murder, money laundering, and curfew violation.
He was up for parole and bail, and when the decision came to Congress, they felt that the state of the economy just could not allow it.
“The economy is struggling now,” said President George Bush.
“And I just don’t believe that we have the resources now to offer a bailout plan for Inmate #36788. Would it help the country if he were out of jail?
I’m not sure.”
After this announcement, the prison underground economy tanked—purchases and trades of cigarettes, gum, and whiskey went down 700 packs. The big players in the black market prison economy urged them to approve the deal, because the Arlington County Jail just couldn’t handle Inmate 36788.
After increased pressure from the Warden and other prisoners, Congress voted to approve the bailout plan, but only because cigarette lobbyists pressured them intensely with an offer of a lifetime supply of packs under the table.
