QANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN–Today the Pentagon reported that marines operational in the mountainous northeast regions of Afghanistan were able to bring a major piece of the 9/11 mastermind to justice. A toenail identified as formerly belonging to bin Laden now awaits custody in a Ft. Bragg detention facility.
“I was doing my rounds, just like any other day,” explains Private Jonathan Sanchez, now being hailed as an American hero. “And then I saw this little sliver of translucent material flutter across my path, and I just had this, this gut-feeling you could call it. I was like ‘There he is’. And so I grabbed it.”
Sanchez and others who have assisted in partially-capturing bin Laden receive praise for their instincts and ‘soldier smarts’, two qualities necessary to engage in this new type of warfare.
“We’re playing a whole different ballgame now,” explains General Reese Clark, spokesman for the new bin Laden initiative. “The American People are wondering why we haven’t caught him, they’re wondering where he is. Well, we’re in the process of catching him, and he’s in the soil, water, and air.”
Sanchez concurs. “We’re not taking our eyes off the prize. It would be immensely helpful, of course, if we found the actual live body of bin Laden, as opposed to, say, scraps of beard hair, flakes of skin. But in the meantime it gives the American people comfort to know that measures are being taken.”
Certain military experts remain skeptical, pointing out that of the 10^27 atoms that have at one point been in the body of Osama bin Laden, odds are that trillions upon trillions have escaped earth’s gravity by this point and are currently floating through regions of interstellar space. But Clark remains steadfast. “I see no problem with using rocketry to realize our ultimate objective,” he says. “We have to remember that this is the man who had planes flown into our buildings, who brutally cut short the lives of 3000 innocents. No price is too high.”