Sex in Steam Tunnels “Too Hot and Steamy”

October 4, 2009 1:07 pm
Sex in Steam Tunnels “Too Hot and Steamy”

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION- Two freshmen were spotted emerging sweaty and red-faced from Stanford’s famed network of steam tunnels late Monday evening after a period of underground sexual debauchery.  They did not exit the steam tunnels with the usual contented swagger of a copulating couple; rather, they seemed highly disturbed and uncomfortable. […]

Read more ›

Everyone Gets Swine Flu Anyways, Full Moon Back On

September 27, 2009 2:55 pm
Everyone Gets Swine Flu Anyways, Full Moon Back On

Over the past few days, every student on campus has gotten the swine flu. This recent epidemic, which originated from three promiscuous freshmen in Roble, has caused Stanford to reconsider the Full Moon on the Quad event. Students argued that the school wide make-out session is no longer dangerous to […]

Read more ›

Stanford Project on Hunger (SPOON) Raises Questions About Literacy at Stanford

May 18, 2009 2:31 pm
Stanford Project on Hunger (SPOON) Raises Questions About Literacy at Stanford

It recently came to the attention of university administrators that several groups on campus were having trouble taking the first letter of each word in their name and making an acronym. SPOON, the group that helps feed the homeless could stand for Stanford Puts Onions On Nipples, but there is […]

Read more ›

Student Pulls All-Dayer

May 11, 2009 10:31 pm
Student Pulls All-Dayer
Read more ›

Area Asshole Responsible For All of Swine Flu

May 5, 2009 12:52 am
Area Asshole Responsible For All of Swine Flu
Read more ›

ASSU Senator Pledges To Reduce Sexual Assault on Campus–Will Stop Sexually Assaulting Women

April 20, 2009 11:45 pm
ASSU Senator Pledges To Reduce Sexual Assault on Campus–Will Stop Sexually Assaulting Women

Throughout his campaign, ASSU Senator Greg Bernardi pledged that he would devote his complete efforts towards tackling sexual assault on campus. As a first step towards achieving this goal, Bernardi announced that he will personally stop sexually assaulting women. “Bernardi was responsible for 35% of sexual assault cases on campus,” […]

Read more ›

Handwashing Directions Clarify Handwashing For Local Employee

March 8, 2009 4:02 pm
Handwashing Directions Clarify Handwashing For Local Employee
Read more ›

Local Overachiever to Go Work at McKinsie and Co.

March 5, 2009 3:50 pm
Local Overachiever to Go Work at McKinsie and Co.
Read more ›

Novice Skateboarder Falls Down Awkwardly

February 26, 2009 10:03 pm
Novice Skateboarder Falls Down Awkwardly

The skateboarding conditions have been reportedly sub-par over the passed week or so due to the occasional rainstorm, which leave the pavement around campus slippery and filled with piled up debris (twigs and pine needles). However, on a quite clear and fair day for skateboarding earlier in the week novice […]

Read more ›

Asshole Student Hates Everyone, Blames It On The Weather

February 22, 2009 9:26 pm
Asshole Student Hates Everyone, Blames It On The Weather

This past Monday, a rather unfortunate smattering of events occurred circling around one undergraduate student, Morris Jones. Morris who typically awakes to 106.6 The Goat, instead arose to high pitch chirping, and it all went downhill from there. “I hadn’t left my room since the night before when I had […]

Read more ›