Articles by: Samantha Lynn

Pixar Unveils Plan for New Movie Franchise

September 30, 2013 12:00 pmComments Off on Pixar Unveils Plan for New Movie Franchise
Pixar Unveils Plan for New Movie Franchise

Hot on the coattails of the successes of Cars, Cars 2, and Planes, Pixar announced this week that it will be releasing a movie in 2016 about literal piles of shit with adorable animated faces. Entitled “Number Two,” the film will follow the fecal deputy of the small town of […]

Read more ›

Naranja Junior Successfully Completes Construction Obstacle Course, Wins Medal

May 28, 2013 12:00 pmComments Off on Naranja Junior Successfully Completes Construction Obstacle Course, Wins Medal
Naranja Junior Successfully Completes Construction Obstacle Course, Wins Medal

Joan Hanks, a junior in Naranja, won a gold medal yesterday by bicycling safely through the obstacle course of construction surrounding all entrances to Lagunita court in record time. “I went in with a pretty solid game plan,” Hanks said yesterday morning after receiving the gold, wiping sweat from her […]

Read more ›

Dry Weekend Causes Hundreds of Hospitalizations for Dehydration

April 29, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Dry Weekend Causes Hundreds of Hospitalizations for Dehydration
Dry Weekend Causes Hundreds of Hospitalizations for Dehydration

Due to the University policy of calling for a completely dry campus during Admit Weekend, hundreds of ProFros were sent to the Stanford Hospital for dehydration.  Condemned to pouring powdered dehydrated milk with their cereal at brunch and to splash around in the dust of the empty fountains on campus, […]

Read more ›

Military Threats from North Korea Continue

April 1, 2013 12:02 pmComments Off on Military Threats from North Korea Continue
Military Threats from North Korea Continue

CHECK THE DATE OR THIS ARTICLE WILL SEEM WEIRD On Friday, March 29, the state-run media of North Korea announced that missiles are on standby to strike the United States and South Korea, as ordered by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. The White House is taking North Korea’s threats of […]

Read more ›

University Representatives Revolutionize Bureaucracy

March 11, 2013 12:00 pmComments Off on University Representatives Revolutionize Bureaucracy
University Representatives Revolutionize Bureaucracy

On Friday, March 8, the University rolled out a brand new model of inefficiency, which they believe will revolutionize bureaucracies everywhere. Stanford committees will all now conform to the highest standards of bureaucratic wastefulness. “We have been running studies for months to examine how to best mismanage time and energy […]

Read more ›

Student Arrives Back to Campus After Spending 22 Days on SuperShuttle

January 28, 2013 12:03 pmComments Off on Student Arrives Back to Campus After Spending 22 Days on SuperShuttle
Student Arrives Back to Campus After Spending 22 Days on SuperShuttle

On Sunday, freshman Jake Adams was seen stumbling toward Cedro with his luggage, having reportedly spent eighteen days aboard SuperShuttle 362 from SFO.  Although his plane landed on January 6, he described the trip back to campus as like something out of a Kafkaesque horror story. “It’s a good thing […]

Read more ›

Stanford Launches Social Networking Site Inspired By Coursework

December 3, 2012 12:02 pmComments Off on Stanford Launches Social Networking Site Inspired By Coursework
Stanford Launches Social Networking Site Inspired By Coursework

In an attempt to seem “hip and fresh,” Stanford has created a new social networking site for students which they are modeling after Coursework, the online course management system. “Like every other business and organization even remotely connected to young people, we wanted to get in on the social networking […]

Read more ›

Ask a Jew During the Holidays

November 26, 2012 12:00 pmComments Off on Ask a Jew During the Holidays
Ask a Jew During the Holidays

Dear Jew during the holidays, Should I get a Christmas present for my roommate? I want to show her that I appreciate what a good roommate she’s been, but I don’t want her to feel obligated to get me anything. Sincerely, Gift-Giver in GovCo Dear Gift-Giver, Have you ever considered […]

Read more ›

Paper Towels Made from Real Stanford Students

October 18, 2012 9:00 amComments Off on Paper Towels Made from Real Stanford Students
Paper Towels Made from Real Stanford Students

The only person on campus to read informational stickers was horrified to discover that Stanford’s paper towels are made from the corpses of unsuccessful students. “Stanford is really surpassing other universities in terms of sustainability,” said Green Living Council president Reina Flores. “Not only are we composting our food waste and plastic silverware, […]

Read more ›

Campus Satire Publication Changes Website the Day After Telling Reporter Otherwise

October 10, 2012 9:00 amComments Off on Campus Satire Publication Changes Website the Day After Telling Reporter Otherwise
Campus Satire Publication Changes Website the Day After Telling Reporter Otherwise

Freshman Daily reporter Stephanie Loon was disgraced after the members of the editorial board of a Stanford satire pamphlet fed her false information that was published under her name. Fewer than 48 hours after asserting that “we don’t really like to touch the website any more than is necessary” and “the people […]

Read more ›