Last Survivor of 1906 Earthquake Dies of Something Way Less Cool

January 19, 2016 12:00 pm
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Last Survivor of 1906 Earthquake Dies of Something Way Less Cool

BAKERSFIELD, CA- Surrounded by friends, family, and the knowledge that his passing would be a total let-down, Mr. Miles Serrano, the last survivor of San Francisco’s devastating 1906 earthquake, died on Sunday of renal failure or some other boring shit like that.

Doctors commented there was little they could do to make his death as absurdly dope as the one he passed up as a six year old.

“Mr. Seranno was a loving father and a faithful husband,” his pastor reminisced. “But Jesus, imagine if he’d gone in some totally sick explosion after the Earth literally shook under an entire fuckin’ city. Fire everywhere; screams, dust, black skies. That’s some punk rock shit right there. Not this lame medical crap.”

Mr. Serrano’s family reported plans to cremate his remains, thereby somewhat replicating what would have come of him if he had been pulverized under a building all those years ago. His incineration will take place in a controlled furnace, though, making his fate wholly unlike the one San Francisco faced on the eve of its epic destruction.

“I plan on sprinkling his ashes into the Bay,” his widow, Dolores, offered. “He loved to sit there and watch the waves roll in. I guess he found them peaceful, when he wasn’t busy avoiding certain and fiery death. God, if only he’d known how badass of a demise he could have had. What a shame.”

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