Arrillaga Dining—Describing the experience as both “disgusting and faith-shattering,” sophomore Ian Segel confirmed yesterday that his accidental consumption of a soft grape had led him to doubt the existence of God. “Frankly, it was shocking,” a visibly rattled Segel told reporters. “There I was, having lunch, when suddenly this gross, mushy sensation spread across my tongue and the roof of my mouth. I immediately realized something deeply wrong had happened—something that penetrated into the very depths of my soul. No benevolent creator could ever have allowed this to happen.”
Though he stated this was not the first time he’s had doubts about God— noting the many occasions unripe honeydew, sour oranges, and bruised bananas shook his faith—Segel emphasized that this ordeal was far more disturbing. “There was something else in that thing I ate, something different,” he said, staring vacantly downwards into his trembling hands. “Look, I’ve never been that spiritual of a person, but I always thought someone up there was protecting me, making sure I was safe. But…but it was almost as if no matter how much I prayed, or how much good I did in the world, the soft grape was going to be overly soft. And it was. Oh God, it was.”
“I don’t know if I can believe in Him again,” Segel finally admitted. “But I do believe one thing—the Devil is real, hidden, and eager to rear his ugly head from the vine.”
