Stanford kicker Jordan Williamson is scheduled to return this week in the Cardinal’s hotly-anticipated showdown with Oregon, after having spent the intervening two weeks synthesizing a cure for throat cancer and spending his free time investigating ways to help end the hunger problems in the Third World. Initial reports, however, indicate that Stanford students were still disappointed with the redshirt junior’s performance.
Sophomore Andy Davis Jr. summed up his dormmates’ opinion of the placekicker when he told reporters, “It took him long enough. We’ve spent 50 years trying to find a cure and only now he decided to get up off of his ass and help. He probably did it by accident anyway.” Davis Jr., whose greatest achievement at Stanford was when he correctly guessed the answer to an iClicker question, went on to say that “It’s a disgrace. He couldn’t even cure rabies or meningitis. What an asshole.”
Williamson, who is on track to graduate this year, is reported to have a bright future ahead of him. Sources indicate that he will work for a charity that helps disadvantaged children in the inner-cities, while also continuing his biological research into the cure for the common cold. When reached for comment, students were still unimpressed. Said junior Michaela Vondruk, “It’s a bit cliché to help the disadvantaged. What Stanford student hasn’t done that? Where’s the originality, buddy? Seriously, stop being a dick.”
Williamson seems fine with the abuse, preaching forgiveness and turning the other cheek to those who would insult him, all while discovering a clean and renewable source of energy that will last generations. Upon hearing of this, Vondruk said, “BOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Fuck that guy.”