Scott Bauer, a senior NSA official, issued a public statement this week urging Stanford freshmen students to call their parents.
“It has come to our attention that despite numerous texts promising to call home, many students are simply not following through,” Bauer explains. “Especially you, Timmy Speldman. Your mother has left you 11 voicemails this week.”
“Just call her, Timmy, she has been worried sick,” the senior official added.
NSA analysts claim that based on their study of Facebook and Twitter records, freshman students have constructed a variety of elaborate excuses, such as attending parties, joining clubs, or “studying,” to avoid calling their families.
This announcement has come as part of a new wave of NSA press releases focused on giving the secretive agency a new, more personalized face in light of the recent backlash following Edward Snowden’s leaks. When asked about his statement within the greater context of the NSA’s future plans, Bauer elaborated. “This is just one way that we at the NSA are showing that we care about the emotional as well as the physical well being of the American public. Under our newly funded initiative, dubbed ‘NSA Cares,’ many new programs are in development, including a complicated algorithm that will intercept those drunk texts or tweets you would regret sending before they even reach their destination. I know 23 year old Stephanie Chen of Bedford, Ohio will appreciate that one!”
Bauer concluded his statement with a plea. “We know you live busy lives in college, and are adjusting to your new environment, but you should really dedicate at least some time to call and thank your families for putting so many resources into raising you (as we’ve seen from their online financial records). And in conclusion, Timmy, if you’re reading this for god’s sake call your mother so we can move on to other matters, although that drunk text you sent to your ex the other day gave us all a good laugh at the office.”