Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures

October 1, 2018 12:00 pm
Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures

Following a slew of allegations that Stanford discriminates against and refuses to accommodate students with mental health issues, the University has begun the new year with a clear plan for how it will prioritize campus support resources and the students who need them. At the top of the list? Counseling […]

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Report: ‘Beyond Sex Ed’ to be Renamed ‘Bed Bath and Beyond Sex Ed’ after Massive Corporate Merger

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Report: ‘Beyond Sex Ed’ to be Renamed ‘Bed Bath and Beyond Sex Ed’ after Massive Corporate Merger

Though unknown to many, Leland Stanford Junior University is broke, its endowment falling by over 80% over the last few years. This dramatic decline comes from two reasons: the extravagant budget for the increasingly lavish sex-positive programming that the university has been putting on in recent years, and the resulting […]

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Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

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Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

In breaking news, Dean Richard Shaw has revealed information on Stanford’s first admissions mistake. Spoiler: it’s you. The proclamation has left thousands of other students relieved, as they are now assured of their place at America’s most prestigious university, after Harvard, probably.   “After poring over admissions records, we’ve concluded […]

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Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit

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Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit

Freshmen eager to attend their first-ever college party were left disappointed Friday night when, upon showing up to Kappa Sigma drunk and ready to dance, they were turned away and told that Eurotrash had been restructured as a lecture series exploring the sociocultural underpinnings of Brexit. “This is the first […]

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After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer

June 9, 2018 7:32 pm
After Years of Palace Intrigue, Machiavellian Mastermind Becomes Student Group’s Financial Officer

“My schemes are at their zenith,” cackled sophomore Lucian Snert early Monday morning when he awoke to see an email asking him to be financial officer for his a cappella group next year. “All comes together, like a puppet master yanking strings, and my plot arises like the Leviathan from […]

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A Senior Farewell

June 5, 2018 2:06 pm
A Senior Farewell

Fuck you! That’s right, do you really think we value you as a reader? We don’t. We never have, and we never will. You’re just meat–a lopsided globule of flesh with a level of consciousness barely adequate for understanding our comedy slop. You struggle with puzzles designed for children, you […]

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Turning Point USA Adds Mario Kart’s Birdo to Stanford Watchlist for “Sexual Deviancy”

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Turning Point USA Adds Mario Kart’s Birdo to Stanford Watchlist for “Sexual Deviancy”

Over the last week, conservative nonprofit Turning Point USA announced the addition of the Mario Kart character Birdo to the professor watchlist for Stanford University. TPUSA has been quite active on campus in the last week, with founder, director, and certifiable hottie Charlie Kirk and communications director Candace Owens coming […]

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Try-Hard to Increase Margins, Shrink Font to Satisfy Final Paper Max Page Count

June 4, 2018 12:00 pm
frustrated with problems young business man working on laptop computer at home

According to multiple sources in Lantana, sophomore Toby Maxwell has expressed his concern that his paper’s page count would not fall within the bounds his professor set for a course on convolutional neural networks.  “I totally feel your struggle right now,” Toby said to some of his fellow dorm-mates, who […]

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Op-Ed: How To Beat The Draw, By Me, The ShamWow Guy

May 30, 2018 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: How To Beat The Draw, By Me, The ShamWow Guy

Didn’t get your first choice? Suffering from fractured friendships? Over-eager to disrupt the private lives of upperclassmen who just want to graduate on time? Well buckle up, buttercup — here’s a pro’s inside scoop on how to really beat the Stanford Draw! Other insiders might tell you to pre-assign, return […]

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Silicon Valley Thrilled by New “Uber for Serfs” Startup

May 29, 2018 12:00 pm
Silicon Valley Thrilled by New “Uber for Serfs” Startup

In an announcement that has sent shockwaves across Silicon Valley, a new startup billing itself as “Uber for Serfs” has announced plans to go public later this month. The startup, feef, is already attracting hordes of eager VC’s looking to get a stake in the company before its shares skyrocket […]

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