Class Ends after Student DM’s Zoom professor ‘effective. Powerلُلُصّبُلُلصّبُرر  ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ 冗’

May 28, 2020 3:16 pm
Class Ends after Student DM’s Zoom professor ‘effective. Powerلُلُصّبُلُلصّبُرر  ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ 冗’

According to multiple reports from amazed students and distraught TAs, a single Stanford student recently crashed a massive CS107 Zoom lecture by DM’ing the phrase ‘effective. Powerلُلُصّبُلُلصّبُرر  ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ 冗’ to a professor over Zoom chat. “I will never reveal my true identity. You may call me Oblivion,” […]

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Stanford Pilots Zoom Microtransactions

3:13 pm
Stanford Pilots Zoom Microtransactions

Citing a vague need to “spice things up”, Stanford has released a version of Zoom exclusive to the university that allows students to gain additional features. To promote student involvement in this initiative, professors have also been given access to various tools designed to increase the “enthusiasm factor” of online […]

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Op-Ed: I Can’t Take News from Gavin Newsom Because I’m Too Distracted by His Raw Sexual Energy

3:10 pm
Op-Ed: I Can’t Take News from Gavin Newsom Because I’m Too Distracted by His Raw Sexual Energy

I have a confession to make. I suspect it’s it a subject weighing on many of our minds, and I have finally mustered up the courage to admit it. Sometimes, this secret gives me great shame. I frequently find myself waking up in a cold sweat, covered in tears and […]

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Op-Ed: I Tried Returning to Campus for My Stuff, and Now I’m Imprisoned in the Prison from the Stanford Prison Experiment

3:05 pm
Op-Ed: I Tried Returning to Campus for My Stuff, and Now I’m Imprisoned in the Prison from the Stanford Prison Experiment

As soon as I entered campus, I felt eyes begin to follow me. When I’d first decided to drive down from Oregon to pick up a few things from my dorm room, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I really only had to clear out a sleeping […]

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“Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple,” FoHo Announces As It Completes Transformation into Trashy British Tabloid

May 26, 2020 2:59 pm
“Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple,” FoHo Announces As It Completes Transformation into Trashy British Tabloid

“Liar, Liar, Vice Provost on Fire: Susie Brubaker-Cole Caught Lying To Students! Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple! And Special Report: Roble Woman Reveals How Arrillaga Chicken Left Her Pregnant… With Welsh Septuplets!” With these scoops and others, the latest edition of The Fountain Hopper finally cemented in place the newsletter’s […]

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Elitist Fœtus Refuses To Be Born Until Ivy Leagues Open Back Up

2:57 pm
Elitist Fœtus Refuses To Be Born Until Ivy Leagues Open Back Up

Boston, MA— In protest of recent Covid-19 closures, a 7-month-old fœtus is refusing to be born unless ivy league universities reopen in the fall semester. “Ehhhh…. yous guys oughta get yous degrees so yous can woik at Goldman Sachs.” He adds, “Baby needs his melk, needs his moolah.” He seems […]

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Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups

2:55 pm
Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups

Some places get bombed-out ruins, some places get totalitarian dictatorship, some places get the bright city with a seedy cyberpunk underbelly, but Stanford’s post-apocalypse looks a little different: stalking through the main quad colonnades and knocking on dormitory doors are roving bands of finger-snapping, tap-dancing a Capella groups. That’s right, […]

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Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone

2:53 pm
Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone

Earlier today during lecture, I was messing around on Zoom and noticed that you can change your display name to whatever you want. “What fun!” I thought to myself. “What a goof!” I was so innocent then, knowing not of the ancient and terrible forces I would unleash with my […]

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Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

May 17, 2020 11:45 am
Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

It seems that this virus has really wormed its way into everyones’ psyches! Since lockdown started, the nation’s collective dreamscape has been weird as shit. My friend has recurring nightmares about being hunted for sport by ecofascists in the Wyoming swamplands, for example, and my aunt keeps dreaming about kneading […]

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Study: Young Men Who Play Violent, Serpentine Video Games More Likely to Eat Lots of Apples, Grow Incrementally Longer

11:44 am
Study: Young Men Who Play Violent, Serpentine Video Games More Likely to Eat Lots of Apples, Grow Incrementally Longer

A new study by the Stanford psychology department appears to confirm parents’ worst fears when it comes to letting their children play violent video games. After exposing a group of young men to one such game, the team of scientists identified a significant uptick in the subject’s likelihood of eating […]

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