Articles by: Kyle Hoffer

Accomplished, Talented Student Still Can’t Jump Onto Dorm Room Bed

May 12, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Accomplished, Talented Student Still Can’t Jump Onto Dorm Room Bed
Accomplished, Talented Student Still Can’t Jump Onto Dorm Room Bed

Despite graduating at the top of her class from an elite preparatory high school, answering every question correctly on the SAT, and breaking the Minnesota high school record for the 100-meter backstroke, freshman Katie Guerrero still experiences a tremendous amount of difficulty in mounting her Stanford dorm room bed every […]

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Student Skips Midterms to Study for Midterms

12:00 pmComments Off on Student Skips Midterms to Study for Midterms
Student Skips Midterms to Study for Midterms

Claiming that he is “too busy to do anything else” until he is done studying for midterms, junior Clive Delgado skipped two of his midterm exams last Wednesday in favor of studying for those tests. “I know some people will say that taking midterms is great learning opportunity because you […]

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Nation Terrified By What Donald Sterling Will Do With Newfound Free Time

May 5, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on Nation Terrified By What Donald Sterling Will Do With Newfound Free Time
Nation Terrified By What Donald Sterling Will Do With Newfound Free Time
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For Some Reason, Upperclassmen Still Stunned That It’s Already Midterm Season

April 28, 2014 12:00 pmComments Off on For Some Reason, Upperclassmen Still Stunned That It’s Already Midterm Season
For Some Reason, Upperclassmen Still Stunned That It’s Already Midterm Season

Despite nearly a dozen quarters of academic experience at Stanford University, upperclassmen gathered in Manzanita Dining were somehow still in shock regarding their impending midterm exams this coming week. “Oh God, how do we have a midterm already?  The quarter just started,” came one student’s inconceivable complaint. “I know, right?  […]

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Kid Vomiting in Stall Next To You To Run Fortune 500 Company Someday

April 21, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on Kid Vomiting in Stall Next To You To Run Fortune 500 Company Someday
Kid Vomiting in Stall Next To You To Run Fortune 500 Company Someday

Stanford, CA – Defying all common sense, the Stanford student currently puking in the stall next to you undeniably has a good chance of one day serving as the Chief Executive Officer of one of the most powerful corporations on Earth. Although at the moment he has forced himself to […]

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SCPD Student Always on Laptop During Lecture

12:00 pmComments Off on SCPD Student Always on Laptop During Lecture
SCPD Student Always on Laptop During Lecture
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Football Spring Game Gives Fans First Glimpse into 2015 Offseason

April 16, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Football Spring Game Gives Fans First Glimpse into 2015 Offseason
Football Spring Game Gives Fans First Glimpse into 2015 Offseason

Last Saturday, fans eagerly descended on Stanford Stadium for the Cardinal and White Spring Game, a showcase of all the exciting things to come during Stanford Football’s upcoming 2015 offseason. “It’s great to see some of the fresh faces out there that will become the future of Stanford Football and […]

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New ASSU Senators Pledge to Address Widening Gap Between Lower and Upper Classmen

April 14, 2014 12:01 pmComments Off on New ASSU Senators Pledge to Address Widening Gap Between Lower and Upper Classmen
New ASSU Senators Pledge to Address Widening Gap Between Lower and Upper Classmen

As one of their first official duties in office, Stanford’s newly-minted ASSU Senators have pledged to devote their time and attention to address the issues surrounding the widening gap between the upper and lower classmen on campus. “We see upperclassmen increasingly distancing themselves from the pack in terms of accessibility […]

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Polling Place Inconveniently Far Away

April 10, 2014 8:19 pmComments Off on Polling Place Inconveniently Far Away
Polling Place Inconveniently Far Away
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Drunk Student Accidentally Buys Subway Flatizza

April 9, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Drunk Student Accidentally Buys Subway Flatizza
Drunk Student Accidentally Buys Subway Flatizza

At approximately 12:30am Friday morning, a local Stanford student, whose critical-thinking abilities were impaired due to the ingestion of a substance toxic to the human brain, allegedly ordered a Spicy Italian Flatizza at the Subway store on University Avenue. The flatbread pizza product, featured in an astounding quantity of Subway […]

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